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15 phrases from psychologists that will teach you how to say “no” to your child
We often have to tell our children “no”, “no”, “stop”, “come on”, etc. And sometimes we do not limit ourselves to just a polite request and sometimes even raise our voice at our child. Moreover, we often pronounce many words of refusal on the machine, which is not good, and this can negatively affect the still unformed child's psyche. Family and child psychologists told how we incorrectly say “no” to our children or forbid something.
Our children and the "no"? - How to say…
We at Bemorepanda, listening to the advice of psychologists, figured out which phrases are better not to say to your colors of life and what is better to replace them.
How to make prohibitions for a child, Or how to refuse a child without negative consequences
There are many situations in which it is necessary to stop the child as soon as possible. And nothing but “no” or “no” comes to mind at this moment. However, there are many tricks and tricks that will help protect the baby by competently forbidding him something and maintaining a trusting relationship with his parents, as well as his psycho-emotional state.
For example, there is a situation when the youngest child appears in the family. The elders at this moment cannot restrain their emotion and begin to pinch and squeeze the children, sometimes not controlling the power of their love and hurting the baby. At this moment, you can just come up and say: “More gentle”, “Careful”, “Careful”. So the child will understand what exactly he is doing wrong and that he is still an equal and beloved member of the family.
Another important point is to maintain a calm and friendly intonation. You also always need to argue your ban and offer children an alternative. After all, it is always better for children to give clear instructions for action. A strict ban is often perceived as a challenge, and curiosity and a desire to go against the grain arise.
“No one wants to hear a permanent “no” addressed to them. This can seem harsh and lead to a breakdown in relationships, ”said Jasmine McCoy, a famous mom-psychologist.
Using the right words and structures is also important as the child's brain is actively developing and overcoming difficulties. The words of the parent often become the inner voice of the child, which is of great importance for him. And if you want to raise a compassionate person who can solve problems, you need to think about your actions now. So say experts Christine Gallant and Dina Margolin.
Need to communicate desired behaviour
There are emergency situations in which the child needs to be stopped quickly and abruptly. But a categorical “no” will confuse the baby, as he will not understand what exactly they want from him. In the same situation with the younger child and cheeks, it was important to convey to the child that parents demand that he be more sensitive, accurate and gentle, and do not want to forbid him to interact with the younger child.
It is always good to pause and think carefully about what is required of the child. And only after that you need to inform the baby about your options, which will increase the chance of being heard.
You can ask yourself the question: “What can I do to make the child act differently? How can I express myself as clearly as possible? For example, if the baby makes a lot of noise and runs around, you can tell him that now parents want more silence. Then you can invite the child to change the type of activity, play in a different place, or switch from running to walking, giving the child a choice and justifying his position.
This is not easy to get used to, especially when you need to stop the baby, for example in a museum or library. However, when it comes to automatism, success will be guaranteed.
It is important to be prepared for failures - children do not always immediately change their behavior, time and experience are also needed here.
Here are a few more phrases that will help correct the behaviour of the child:
- "Please use a calmer tone" instead of "Stop yelling!"
- “It's hard to understand you when you scream. Try to express your thoughts in a calm tone.
- "Splash the other way" instead of "Stop splashing!"
- "Try not to splatter the bathroom floor."
- "Please chew with your mouth closed."
- "Be careful with toys."
- "Slow down the pace."
- "Play with plasticine on the table."
- “Chairs are only for sitting. Don't stand on them, please."
- “The sand must be in the bucket. It doesn't need to be thrown away."
- “You can't throw away food. It must be eaten or left on the table.”
- “They eat at the table. If you want to play, get up from the table."
- "Take my hand or stay in the cart" instead of "Don't run!"
- “Our bodies are not meant to hurt. Please be careful with your sister."
- “You can play on the tablet only after eating. Put it on the table, please."
Many parents worry about giving their child the freedom to choose. Excitement is caused by the fact that the child can go to extremes. Therefore, a small restriction here will be beneficial. Instead of a complete independent choice, you can offer the child two or three alternatives. This will keep him from feeling overwhelmed.
It is important to consider the wishes and feelings of the child when offering alternatives. Children constantly ask for something, and frequent refusals tire both the child and the parent. You can soften the blow by letting the baby know that the parent hears his wishes, and when the time is right, you can offer an alternative.
“It is important here not only to confirm the desire of the child, but also to explain why it cannot be fulfilled here and now,” Jasmine McCoy.
For example, instead of banning cookies, you could say, “Hmm, they look delicious. But let's eat it after the main meal."
Or: “I know you really want to go to the park. And I would like to go with you. But let's go there tomorrow. For example, after lunch. What would you like to see there?" In this way, the child will be involved in a conversation about his desire, which will help the baby feel heard, even if he is rejected.
And this example perfectly demonstrates the algorithm that Gallant and Margolin gave:
- Agreement with feelings.
- Holding boundaries.
- Freedom of choice.
“I know that you are sad to part with the tablet. But the time allotted for it is over. You can play outside. For example, in a sandbox or on a swing. Where would you like to go?"
“At the same time, the reaction of the child will not always be positive, because children tend to express their disappointment or disagreement through protests and tantrums. And that's okay." - Jasmine McCoy.
In this case, you can always show sympathy without bending to the demands of the child. One must try to continue to make statements based on facts, while remaining as calm as possible even in an emergency. For example:
"Do you want to throw sand? But now it's not possible anymore, because I want your eyes to be safe. Let's continue tomorrow."
“You can’t throw food - it should be on a plate. It looks like you don't feel like eating right now. Let's go another time."
“This method will help to avoid the struggle for power,” Gallant and Margolin. Instead of a categorical refusal, you can simply insert a “no” between two “yes”. For example: “Going to the park is a great idea! But now we have to go to school. Let's go to the park tomorrow."
Precise instructions instead of questions
Adults are accustomed to expressing their requests with an interrogative intonation, using the construction "Could you ...?" This confuses the child, because sometimes he does not understand - this is a question or a call to action. It is important to direct the request accurately, while remaining calm.
Whispering in your ear can be much more effective than shouting across the room. The more active and excited the child, the calmer his parent should be. “Body language does much more than words,” McCoy.
It is important to get closer to the child, bend over and calmly explain your request, making eye contact. This is especially helpful when the child is experiencing strong emotions. And close contact will let the child know that the parent is serious.
"No" for extreme cases
“In some situations, you have to categorically express a ban on some actions. Strict prohibition in critical situations often helps to keep the child safe. But overuse of this phrase reduces its effectiveness, so it is important to say a strict “no” only when it is really necessary, excluding him from everyday life, ”- Jasmine McCoy.
Prohibiting many things is one of the main responsibilities of a responsible parent. But the main thing is to correctly express these prohibitions and reduce possible crises to a minimum.
When using the yes-no sandwich technique, the child may think they are free to make their own decisions. But in fact, he will feel safe thanks to "clear, consistent boundaries." Using inhibitions effectively will help minimize negativity and frustration and provide an opportunity to develop more positive interactions with your child.